Words Left Unspoken
by dsnyclayfan1124
Summary: Spoilers for 3x17 Countdown...  Castle reflects on the events of earlier that day and words left unspoken and their meaning.  He gets advice from an unlikely source and wonders if it's too late for him to re-write his happy ending.
1. Chapter 1

Words Left Unspoken

Author note: This is my first Castle fan fiction, so be gentle. I don't claim any ownership. Spoilers for up to 3x17 Countdown.

As the elevator doors closed, Richard Castle was feeling a myriad of emotions. First and foremost he felt relief that nobody had died, proud that he had been the one that stopped the bomb but also exhausted from the day's activities. But the one feeling that seemed to overwhelm his body was disappointment, as he realized that he was utterly alone tonight. He knew Martha and Alexis were safe at the Hamptons and wouldn't be back until the morning. Esposito and Ryan were going to home to relish their victory with their respective lovers. Then that leaves Beckett and Josh and it sickened him to think how they were going to celebrate not only surviving today's crisis but Josh's grand gesture of choosing Beckett over going to Haiti. Everybody was going home to somebody who loved them but him.

As he stepped into his car, he took a moment to pause before starting up his car. He was so frustrated at himself when he replayed the day's event in his mind.

"_I wish I had someone who would be there for me and I could be there for him and we could just dive into it together." _ Beckett's words echoed in his memory. His heart had been screaming for his mouth to speak up but he just couldn't get the words out right in time.

Then his thoughts shifted to when they were locked in that frozen containment room, how he held her in his arms, both uncertain of their fate but he just could not find the strength to speak up. When Beckett lightly touched his face, although every nerve in his body was frozen her light touch sent a bolt of heat pulsing through his body right to his heart. He knew in that moment that if he was going to die, he would want it to be by her side. Whether it be at that very moment or 60 years from now, she was somebody he would willingly give his life for and the only woman he could imagine spending his life with.

Her softly spoken words that were left unfinished, haunted his thoughts _"I just wanted you to know how much I ..."_

What was she going to say? Knowing that incomplete declaration could have multiple meanings it pained him that he might never know what she had intended to tell him and his heart could not take the agony of hoping that what he was lacking the courage to say she was using her last bit of strength expressing. He wondered, why did they always seem to have the worst timing it seemed when it came to expressing how they feel?

His thoughts then led to his final missed opportunities. With 30 seconds left on the timer of the bomb, all he could do is look at Kate and imagine what could have been. If eyes are truly windows to the soul, he knew he was baring his heart for her to see even if he could not vocalize what he was feeling. As he held her hand and felt her intense gaze as she softly spoke his name, the thought of never being able to hold her again, hear her voice or taste her lips for real gave him the motivation and courage to pull the wires from the bomb. However it wasn't until Esposito said "You guys don't know how lucky you are?" that Castle decided to take his mother's advice of carpe diem and made the decision to let Kate know just how much she meant to him. He realized at that moment that he was ready to dive in full heartedly in a relationship with her. No games or tricks, just him making a commitment to always be there for her in every humanly way possible for the rest of their lives.

But of course, fate seemed to have other plans. Just as Castle was ready to spill his heart and let Kate know just exactly what he had been thinking all day, Dr. Perfect came around the corner and made him lose his nerve. All the worry and doubts came flooding back to Castle as the sexy doctor made his appearance at the precinct. Beckett wanted Josh she had said she herself, that him staying behind and choosing her over Haiti meant that Josh and her had a chance. Looking at her he thought he was being selfish, as who was was he to impede upon her happiness, she finally now knew where she stood in that relationship, no need to have one foot out the door, she was getting what she wanted and he should respect that. That is why he choose to gracefully bow out and just bid her good night.

Upset with himself and wallowing in self pity, Castle could only think of one place where he could be alone to drown his misery in a good bottle of scotch.

He turned the keys to start the ignition and headed over to the Old Haunt.

As he entered the bar, he was surprised to see a familiar face from today.

"Hello, I honestly would have never expected to see you again today."

TBC.. please review and let me know what you are thinking... it would be great motivation! :) I apologize in advance for any typos or grammatical errors, this has not be reviewed by a beta reader and was written at 2am when I couldn't sleep after watching Coutndown :)


	2. Chapter 2

Words Left Unspoken

Chapter 2

Author note: This is my first Castle fan fiction, so be gentle. I don't claim any ownership. Spoilers for up to 3x17 Countdown.

Thanks for the comments and the reviews, it was really nice to get some feedback as I had been really nervous writing my first story.

*Sorry I updated this chapter to reflect some edits and feedback I got... I didn't mean to republish it... I hope to continue this..

* * *

"Mr. Castle, our paths cross again." Agent Fallon greeted him as he put down his glass to shake Castle's hand.

"Of all the bars in the city, how did you end up at this one?" Castle asked.

"I had heard through the grapevine that this was a good bar to relax after a tough day at work. After the day we had today, I figured I could use a drink or two or three."

"You're telling me, I could think of a few strong adjectives to describe the events of today." He motioned to the bartender to pour him a Scotch and to leave the bottle.

They sat in silence for awhile as they each found comfort in their glasses, just two lonely men with nobody to go home to.

"How do you do this every day?" Castle finally asked breaking the silence.

"It's tough, I'm not going to lie to you. It never gets easier because you never know how its going to end when you are dealing with crazy extremists who have a corrupted sense of right and wrong. But the worst is to hold the fate of others in your hands and then keep secrets from those who care about you. Doesn't exactly make you popular in most social circles.

"Your right, your job really sucks." Castle sharply replied as he finished another drink.

"But your job doesn't. You get to write mystery novels and spend most days and nights working alongside Detective Beckett. Seems like you have a pretty great arrangement going on there and from what I can tell seems to be working well for both of you. "

"Yeah it has its perks, but believe me, it's not without it's own level of heartbreak." Castle grumbled.

"Believe me I have had my fill of heartbreak to last a lifetime so no getting around that. But sometimes the greatest triumphs in life are born from the most tragic of circumstances. So let me offer you some advice... two words... carpe diem."

Castle shot an exasperated look to Fallon as he recalled how many times that phrase has made its way into his thoughts and into the words of those around him today.

"Look, you might think I am full of shit. But I know a thing or two about what you are going through." Fallon retorted.

"Somehow, I sincerely doubt that. You don't know a thing about me and what I am feeling right now."

"Richard Castle, in the short twenty four hour hr window I have known you. I can say have noticed three character traits that even a rookie profiler would be able to tell about you. First, you are a very stubborn man, who trusts a limited circle of individuals. You do want you want and damn the consequences."

Castle humbled by the assessment, looks at Fallon, shyly looks away, and softly smiles before agreeing.

"Second, your unconventional background and fame has shaped you into being this cocky but extremely smart individual who shows no fear in the face of danger and imminent death."

Castle continued to nod his head in agreement.

"Lastly and probably the most obvious to everybody is that you care deeply about your partner. However you're too scared of jeopardizing your friendship with her to be honest with her about how you truly feel."

'Bingo' Castle though tas he knew that Fallon had profiled him to a tee. He didn't even bother to try to respond. He was tired of denying it; tired of the pretending. He Knew had to be honest with himself.

"Pleading the fifth? I'll take that as admitting my profile was correct. See, Mr. Castle? I can figure things out without the assistance of a crime noveli_st."_

Castle continued to remain quiet.

"Again, you may believe me or not, but I am telling you I know a thing or two about how you are feeling. Let me tell you a story, it was 1995 and I had just graduated top of my class at Quantico and was being assigned to the counter terrorism task force in DC. On the first day that I meet the team there is this girl, her name wasLizzie, she was from San Diego, California and was the most carefree individual I have ever met. She had the biggest heart, this killer smile and she knew just how to make me laugh which was no easy task. She was my complete opposite and because of that she made my life fun and interesting ." Fallon smiled as he recalled his fond memories.

"Please, if you can't already tell, I am not in any mood to hear about your whirlwind love story. I just want to get drunk and forget about this awful day."

"That's what I am trying to tell you; there is no whirlwind love story here either. For five years we went through this dance of getting close but not too close, trying to see other people and just denying what we was felt for one another. When you do this type of work, you build a wall around your heart to protect yourself so you don't get hurt . As I watched her date a naval intelligence officer, I convinced myself I could never measure up to him. So I just continued to be her friend while she cried on my shoulder every time he would leave for oversees deployment for months. We had our opportunities and everybody tried to tell us what was staring us in the face and I ignored it. It wasn't until five years later, in October in 2000 when the USS Cole bombing tragedy happened and 17 sailors were killed on our watch that I finally had my wake up call. I realized that I was letting fear control my life and it not the fear of terrorism but the fear of exposing my heart. So I finally manned up and told Lizzie how I felt about her and it turned out I never had anything to be afraid of. She had felt the same way about me from day one and was just waiting for me to eventually step up to the plate. She dropped the Naval officer as soon as she knew she had me ."

"So the moral of the story is to just jump in with both feet. I get it_._" Castle remarked sarcastically as Fallon continued his story

" We were married May the following year and I couldn't wait to start my life with her. We had so many plans together, but little did we know that we would be robbed of all those hopes and dreams four short months later. That final phone call still haunts me daily knowing the only thing I could do in those final moment was just try and comfort her, pour my heart out to her, and make sure she knew how much I loved her. I don't know if you understand how hard it is to hear someone tell you that they love you and know it will be the last time you will ever hear their voice "

Castle felt like a jack ass for the way he had been treating Fallon in light of his tragedy.

"After her death I was consumed with anger and regret. Angry that our team was not able to stop this, angry that I let her go to the World Trade Center that morning, but mostly angry at myself for being a coward and waiting so long to tell her how I felt. Now knowing that I could have had years with her instead of those few bittersweet months is my biggest regret in life."

His words we hitting Castle hard as he thought of what would have happened had Beckett not survived today's events but he had. He didn't know how would he have processed the guilt and the regret.

"Watching you and Beckett today, it reminded me of Lizzie and I and the dynamic we had. So I am heeding this warning to you, 'Don't wait until its too late to say I love you'. You both almost died three separate times today, and yet the universe found some cosmic reason to spare both of your lives. I think perhaps you have a guardian angel. Maybe it's my Lizzie trying to give you the opportunity that we lost."

"But what if she doesn't feel the same way?" Castle said quietly as he traced the rim of his glass.

"Look, I have seen the way she looks at you. That fire, intensity and unwavering faith she has in you are all signs that she definitely cares about you. I am trained to read people and there was no mistaking the connection I saw between you both. Why do you think I was under the impression that you two were already an item?" Fallon said confidently.

"Even so, you saw Dr. Pretty Boy come back into the picture she is going to choose him, I lost my chance. I had multiple opportunities to tell her how I felt today and I choked every time, I just couldn't do it,.I'm the world biggest coward." Castle grumbled as he poured himself another shot.

"Castle, you came face to face with a dirty bomb and no clue how to stop it. All you knew was that you needed to find some way to prevent it from going off and so you just pulled all the wires and hoped it would work. It was a crazy move, probably the craziest I've ever heard of, but it is also one of the bravest. You also insisted on staying in the city to try to find the bomb in the first place. I would never define you as a coward. Think about it, you single handedly saved the city - as well as the girl. I would say that's not a bad day's work." Fallon made direct eye contact with Castle to prove how serious he was.

Castle let out a slight smile as his confidence and self esteem slowly began to be restored. "I quite literally saved the city with one hand, didn't I?." He said as he reenacted his smooth yanking of the wires from the bomb.

Fallon laughed and smiled in return, then put his glass down and started to get up from his stool knowing his work was done. " You sure did. You are a true hero like a character plucked from one of your novels . Again, pleasure meeting you Mr. Castle. I hope you take my advice and live life with no regrets."

"I will, thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your loss."

"Thank You, I appreciate it. I just hope you truly learn from my story. If only I had listened to my friends from the start I would have told Lizzie a lot sooner how much she meant to me. Also, if you decide to ever write me in to one of your novels, I hope you won't portray me as too big of a prick. I really am a nice guy if you get to know me."

Castle let out slight laugh and smiled again, "I will try keep that in mind. How about a compromise, I write you as a dashing FBI agent with a heart of gold and you give me a heads up next time NYC is going to blow up?"

"Deal." Fallon said as he extended his hand for a friendly shake.

As Fallon exited the Old Haunt, Castle poured himself one final shot and downed it. He was going to need the liquid courage to do what he was going to do next, to follow through on what he was too scared of doing earlier. He pulled out his phone and dialed Beckett's number...

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TBC, what do you think :). Thank you for all the positive reviews. I tried to take in all your criticism. Again this has not been reviewed by a beta, so I own any and all mistakes, so forgive me. Congrats to those who figured out it was Fallon, I figured it would be nice to give him a backstory.


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